EQ Is the New Sexy: Why Emotional intelligence Builds Better Love

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We often admire people for their intellect, but when it comes to long-term relationships, emotional intelligence (EQ) takes the lead. In fact, research shows that EQ—not IQ—is a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction and emotional intimacy.

So what exactly makes EQ so attractive, and why is it essential for healthy love?

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to:

• Recognize and name your own emotions

• Regulate your emotional responses

• Understand and empathize with others’ feelings

• Communicate emotions in healthy, constructive ways

Psychologist Daniel Goleman identified five key components of EQ (Goleman, 1995):

1. Self-awareness

2. Self-regulation

3. Motivation

4. Empathy

5. Social Skills

Unlike IQ, which is relatively fixed, EQ is learnable and can be strengthened with intentional practice—especially in the context of a relationship.

Why EQ Builds Better Love

Here’s how emotional intelligence improves relationships in real-world ways:

• EQ Creates Emotional Safety

  Partners with high EQ can regulate their own responses, creating space for open and non-judgmental conversations. Emotional safety is foundational for trust and vulnerability (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

• EQ Enhances Communication

  EQ allows partners to listen to understand—not just to respond. This is key in managing conflict and reducing defensiveness (Gottman et al., 1998).

• EQ Strengthens Empathy

  Being emotionally intelligent helps you tune in to your partner’s inner world. That kind of attunement builds a secure emotional bond.

• EQ Helps with Repair After Conflict

  According to Dr. John Gottman, the ability to make and accept repair attempts is one of the strongest predictors of relationship success. EQ enables these repairs to happen with less ego and more compassion.

  What low EQ looks like in relationships

  Signs of underdeveloped emotional intelligence in relationships include:

• Avoiding difficult emotions or conversations

• Overreacting to small triggers

• Criticizing or stonewalling during conflict

• Dismissing your partner’s feelings

• Struggling to apologize or take accountability

  These behaviors are part of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—which predict relationship breakdown if left unaddressed (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

  How to Boost eq as a couple

  Here are some Gottman-informed, research-based strategies to grow your EQ together:

• Practice emotional check-ins (a core part of “Love Maps”)

• Learn to self-soothe during emotional flooding

• Validate before solving: “That makes sense,” instead of “You’re overreacting.”

• Use soft start-ups in conflict: “I feel…about…I need” instead of “You always…”

• Offer frequent appreciation to counterbalance negativity

  According to Gottman’s research, couples who maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict are more likely to stay together (Gottman, 1999).

  Final Thoughts: Emotional Intelligence is the Real Attraction

  While IQ may help you get ahead in your career, EQ will help you build a loving, resilient, emotionally safe relationship.

  Want to grow your emotional intelligence—individually or as a couple? I’d love to help.

Whether you’re navigating conflict, disconnection, or just want to deepen your bond, I help couples build emotional intelligence and transform the way they relate.

Download your free EQ-in-Love checklist to get started